Jesus, Salve for My Soul

This last week was really rough on me. I'm fairly emotionally spent. It started with excitement only to quickly lead to depression & sadness which eventually led to anger. Unfortunately, I took that anger out on innocent people this week, most specifically Liese. (I DID NOT IN ANY WAY ABUSE MY CHILD, do not mistake what I am saying, I will explain) The day after my depression & sadness, I was alone for the whole day & evening with Liese. I usually am not, I usually have someone to give me at least one break to shower or even go to the bathroom. That day, I did not. That day, she was being particularly fussy & cranky, & well, this sounds awful but just plain annoying. It led to me yelling at her for a very minor disobedience that did not deserve a yelling. It led to me letting her cry it out (of which I am NOT a believer) & letting her cry it out to the extreme. I even turned the tv up loud enough so I couldn't hear her heartbreaking/angering cries. Weird huh, how your child's cry can be heartbreaking & frustrating at the same time. I lost control, I freaked out. I was so angry, hurt, depressed, sad, missing being home. I became so outraged at her father for everything he ever did & continues to do. I'm so angry at him I can't even begin to describe. I hate him. I loathe him with every fiber in my being do I loathe him. I used to love him. I USED to, probably why I now hate him. I am incredibly bitter about what he did & all that has occurred. I have not figured out how NOT to be bitter, angry, hateful toward him. I do not want to forgive him. I don't feel he deserves it. Unfortunately, sometimes I take my anger for him out on Liese. I yell at her for things I don't normally, I'm crankier with her than I usually am, I don't pick her up when she wants to be held, I leave her to cry it out, & I get feelings of not wanting her & this life. This is so wrong, it is in NO WAY her fault. She is the beautiful miracle that came from so much . . . sin. I have only done this probably twice in the time since she's been born. My emotions for this whole situation overcome me & I let Satan get ahold of me. I fall prey to the feelings of not wanting her, not wanting to be in this situation, wanting to be in the city like planned, wanting to have a husband, etc. I hate that I fall for it. After my outrage & freak out occurred, I wept. Suddenly I was on my knees at the couch weeping before the Lord, asking for forgiveness for my thoughts, feelings & actions. Crying out to Him to please heal me. I asked him for the hatred, anger & resentment to stop. I wanted healing, I NEED healing. Emotions swept through my body as I cried out to my Lord. Before I knew it I was coming to my feet, walking to the room where Liese was balling & sweeping her up into my arms. I balled as I cradled her against my chest. I whispered "I'm so sorry, Please forgive mommy. I will never yell at you & let you cry it out again. I love you more than you will ever know. Please forgive mommy." And as though she knew, she wrapped her arms around my neck tighter, clenched my hair in her fingers & laid her head against the nape of my neck. She made a soft little contented sigh. I breathed a bit easy, but I continued to cry. Tears poured from my eyes & my soul. I continued to pray, outloud as I held my miracle daughter. We swayed back & forth, crying & praying for quite some time. I didn't sleep that night, I haven't slept well since. I hate myself for becoming so angry at her. I failed as her mom.
Last night, I vowed to change. I am going to seek counsel from my Pastor as to how to forgive her father. How to heal my open wound. I am going to actively seek in the Bible how to forgive, forget, heal & move forward. I am going to start devotions again (as I have been severely lacking in this area lately). I know this is the core of my problems, my feelings. I have lacked in seeking time with my Lord. I've replaced him with tv, sleep, & excuses. Part of my vow came from reading this story the other night. So many things could be wrong with Liese. Yet, she is perfectly healthy. My pregnancy had no problems. She survived birth. She is the picture of a healthy baby & growing toddler. I didn't have to go through this, or this, or this, or even this. What is wrong with me that I cannot just be happy about my healthy wonderful daughter? I will never say again that I don't want her or wish away this life because if she were gone, I do not know what I would do with myself. I pray for each of those families above when I look at my daughter & I'm reminded of what I could have instead of this smiling, happy child in front of me. God has truly blessed me. Jesus, thank you, please heal my soul.


I leave you with a favorite song of mine that I turn to when I seem to be expressionless.