My relationship with the father of my child went from not the greatest to worse and non-existent. He went from talking about we're going to get married, it'll be a long time before we're married, if we get married, can't we just live together then talk about getting married, and eventually I don't want to have anything to do with you or the baby, I can't picture us being together, ever.
My pregnancy thought process was a HUGE corkscrew roller coaster. It went from I don't want to be pregnant, yay I'm going to have a baby, I love kids, I hate this, I don't want to be, I love it, I'm scared, I'm lonely, I love this baby, I want a husband, I want to live on my own, I want to live with my parents, I want to finish school in NY, I can't take it anymore, Why doesn't he love us, I want this baby & love this baby with all my heart and soul. This thought process was entirely not helped by doctors.
At the beginning of June of 2008, I started a new job. I needed a physical done for the job. At this point, I had known I was pregant since April and knew my conception was March. I had taken 2 pregnancy tests. So I was about four months along. I informed them at my physical about the lack of my cycle and that there was a possibility I was pregnant. They did not perform a urine test or blood test for pregnancy. They did an internal exam, as it was needed for the physical and informed me that there was no indication I was pregnant. That at 4 months, they would have felt something. I had mixed feelings. For three months, I had thought I was pregnant and sorta looking forward to it. I had accepted it, I had worked through feelings and thoughts. I was a little bit crushed. But as days went on I thought of all I could do now (several selfish thoughts). I continued to show signs of pregnancy, lack of cycle, little bit of baby bump, nausea. My mom thought maybe my mind was tricking myself into thinking I was. I agreed. She tried to do a feel of my stomach to see if she could feel any sort of baby. Nothing. Plus, the doctors and my mom were saying I would have felt the baby kicking by now. I said I hadn't. We bought a really expensive pregnancy test and once again, positive. We decided to make an appointment at Ithaca Pregnancy Center for a free pregnancy test and sonogram. On the way, I remember discussing with my mom how excited I was about not being pregnant and all the possibilities that lay before me. Sure enough at the appointment, the pregnancy test was positive. At this point, I was puzzled. They prepped me for the sonogram and the moment she put the wand to my belly, my mom knew. I did not. I thought I wasn't. Seconds later, the nurse said there it is, pointing to the screen at what I thought was simply my uterus. Turns out, it was a baby. This was the point my mom got excited. That baby kicked away and looked like it was dancing inside my belly. The nurses and my mom were astonished that I hadn't felt the baby, I said well, I just thought it was gas. They thought that was pretty funny. They took some pictures and sent me on my way. I was devastated. Devastated that I thought I wasn't but now am and wasn't too thrilled about it. Devastated that I had already worked through my feelings and had to go through them again. Devastated that I was devastated about it.
Life went on. My mom helped me so much with all of my thoughts and feelings. Helped me with eating right and purchasing clothes as I got bigger. My relationship ended with the father in September. It officially went out the window on December 10, 10 days before she was born. Everything went smashing as far as a healthy pregnancy. My midwife said that I was an example of a perfect pregnancy. I only gained 28 lbs. I was the cute lil pregnant lady I had always wanted to be. I took the labor and birthing classes with my mom as my birth coach. In September, my mom, sister-in-law and I were rear-ended. We were at a full stop and the car behind us was going about 30 mph. The seatbelt contracted around my stomach and my neck whipped forward. As I got out of the car and tried to help the other woman's son calm down, I felt pain in my stomach. I knew that wasn't good. An ambulance was called. They strapped me to a board and took me to the closest hospital. Of course we were in Virginia, not at home. They performed x-rays on my neck and sonograms in the emergency room. They kept me there for 2 days to monitor the baby and me and to ensure we wouldn't have an early delivery. Thankfully we made it out of there without having the baby. But I did have to have a shot, as I am a negative bloodtype, I am at risk for never being able to have a baby again. When I get pregnant, my body builds up antibodies. The antibodies will act as though the baby is a foreign object in the body and kill it. But if you have the Rhogam shot, it will prevent the build-up of antibodies.
Everything else was fine until my due date appointment. I went in on December 4th right before work, fully intending to be able to work a full day. When my midwife started feeling my stomach, she paused. She kept feeling and making worried faces. Finally, my mom couldn't take it anymore and asked what was the matter. She said she thought she felt the head at the top of my uterus and the butt at the bottom. She did an internal to check. She was pretty sure what she was feeling was the baby's butt. She brought in one of the doctor's from the practice who also did an external and internal diagnosis. He left, she left, not a word. I was panicking, the baby was breeched. I felt as though I had done something wrong during my pregnancy to cause this. They returned with a nurse and a sonogram machine. Sure enough, the baby was breeched, but through no action of mine. They spoke to me about a manual inversion. Which is where they hold the baby's head and bottom and externally turn the baby. The doctor informed me I had plenty of amniotic fluid to do it and that the cord was in the right location so that it wouldn't strangle the baby. They said they would do it twice and if it didn't work, I could either wait it out or have a c-section. I figure what did I have to lose, let's go ahead and do it. I called work, my dad and headed to the hospital with my mom. They prepped me and before I knew it my head was tilted dramatically toward the floor and the doctor and nurse were applying severe pain on my belly. A few minutes later and the doctor said I was all done, the inversion worked. They gave me another Rhogam shot in case the placenta blood mixed with mine in the inversion. Then I asked them if we could induce that day. I received the go-ahead and we attempted to induce. After doing all but breaking my water, I was only 4 cm along. After 2 1/2 days, I opted (they sent me) to go home. I went home sad, I thought I would be coming home with a baby on that day, not with a huge belly still. I worked the next day but was too exhausted and sad to continue work so I took my maternity leave early. I waited the next 2 weeks for my baby to come naturally. I bounced up and down on a ball every night for 20 minutes. I walked the hills in Syracuse to an Orange basketball game. I walked and I bounced. I ate spicy food and I "nested". I barely rested because the baby was hanging out agaisnt my back and I was having incredibly horrible back labor. I continued to go to appointment after appointment only to have gone down to 2 cm. I tried to keep my mind off of it but couldn't. 2 weeks passed and I decided to be induced before they could force me to. This little baby still didn't want to come out. At 9:45am, they broke my water. 15 hours of labor and 2 1/2 hours of pushing later, she was born at 1:27 in the morning. She came out right as the anestethiologist walked in to the room to give me a spinal tap and have the baby be pulled out with forceps (yikes). She came out face up attempting to turn herself into the correct position and with the cord around her neck. She came into this world quiet. Not because anything was wrong, just quiet. Silent and alert. She is still alert but no longer silent. She is as jolly and loud as I am. Everything in the hospital went as it should. We went home a day and a half later (after another shot happened because she is positive blood), just in time for Christmas. My Christmas Miracle Baby. Best present I have ever received.
Shortly after she was born, the custody battle began. It was a long 9 months of court dates, lawyer meetings, lawyer fees, documentation discoveries, phone calls, sleepless nights, night terrors, police reports, court orders, visitations, support drama, anxieties, fears and being laid off of work. God carried us through. He did not give her to me only to take her away. She is meant for Christ's Kingdom. I dedicated her to God, she is his. He will take care of her better than I can ever dream. I didn't always trust God during those 9 months, I had my moments (several). But there would always be a time right after those moments where God would give us a little victory to prove He was still in control and winning. On August 4, 2009 the support battle ended. My lawyer "won" the case for me, as he was trying to get away with not providing insurance, support money or anything else. It was a wonderful victory and huge relief as she hadn't been on insurance since March and the doctor bills were astronomical. I spent the next two months prepping for the trial that was to come. Night after night of filling out endless paperwork and day after day of journaling every single thing that happened paid off. On September 22, 2009 at 9:45am, after finding that the father was a no-show, I received full sole custody of my daughter and visitations were up to my discretion. I couldn't believe it, I was stunned. My lawyer was worth every single penny. My God had won the battle for me. I couldn't have done it on my own. I would have lost her if I had turned my back on God. He has shown me every step of the way how I need to continually trust in Him. He constantly has control, I never have to worry.
My life started to realign with God's plan instead of what I wanted. I started to truly want to reflect him shortly after my relationship with the father ended. I realized that God had to do this in order to bring me back to him. That He sent my daughter to rescue me from a life of abuse and immorality. I cannot even comprehend the person I would be today and the life I would live if she hadn't been born. I want her to know this someday. What she did for me, what she did for my family. The road was rough but incredibly worth it.
My daughter brings joy into my life each and every single day. I know that she also bring joy into other's lives and gives people hope. She is a healthy, happy, smart one year old who loves her mommy, grandpa, grandma, stuffed puppy and loves to read and sing. She can make the grumpiest of people happy. Her smile and laugh is infectious and you can't help but grin when she does. She loves to cuddle and people love to cuddle her. She is very comfortable with people that she knows I trust and love. If she can't figure something out, she tenses up her entire body and grits her teeth. She sleeps in the craziest of positions and with her mouth wide open. She loves to be outside and has the best night of sleep when she spends time outside. She loves animals and yells at them until they recognize her. She thinks being walked by her grandpa is the best thing in the world. She loves music and stands still and listens until it is over. She adores watching basketball with her grandpa and loves to snuggle and rock in the rocking chair with grandma. She gives her mommy eskimo kisses and open wide slobbery kisses. She loves to spend time with her mommy. She has 6 teeth and likes to chew, bite, gnaw anything she can get her hands on. She loves any form of chocolate, chocolate pie, chocolate pudding, chocolate ice cream, oreos, candy, if it's chocolate she'll eat it. She currently eats oatmeal and applesauce but is still using breatmilk as her main nutrition. She likes being mobile and thinks the world is her playhouse. She loves attention and if you pull out a camera she will ham it up. She likes clothes until you put them on her, once they are on though she likes them. She loves to be in just her diaper and can really move if she is. If she sees a picture of herself, a reflection or anything, she gets super excited and squeals and talks to herself. She says ma-ma, mommy, bop-ba (for grandpa), uh-oh, wow, woah, doggie and go. Her first word and understanding of that word was uh-oh, however her first word was ma-ma (so proud). She can stack cups and blocks. She knows how to turn pages in books. She can put blocks in the correct hole. She can roll a ball and a truck back and forth. She knows how to turn the tv on and off with the remote. She loves to hug things and have you hug her. She hates being bundled but loves going out. Overall, she is a very happy
She is my living flesh and blood. She is a piece of me. I love her more than I could ever love anything in this world. I have loved spending this past year watching her grow, learn and develop a personality. I cannot wait for this next year to see how much she'll change and grow. I cannot wait to further develop our bond as mother and daughter.
Starr-baby ~ now my toddler. Very simply put, I love you with all my being and all my heart and all my soul.
(Kudos to those who made it to the end of the post, I realize it was long but it's important (to me anyway).)
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