10 Months of Remembrance

It has been 10 months. 10 months since my daughter was born early burly in the morning. It's hard to believe it has been that long and how quickly is has gone. I think back to her little days so often and hope that I didn't look forward to this older time too much and that I enjoyed her enough at that age. Soon she'll be a year old and I can barely believe that. She's such a real little version of me it's amazing. So many days I just sit there and go, "that came from me! I was part of making that! That little person right there? She came out of MY body!" Then I go oh my goodness I pushed a child out of me, how did I ever do that? That was hard! So hard! But then I remember other hard things I've been through since her birth and the whole labor part doesn't seem so bad because it had a wonderful ending, my little miracle baby. It's going to be nice to have a new month where she and I won't be surrounded by legal matters and problems with the delinquent father. I remember the day I was served with papers. I think my heart stopped when I found that he was trying for custody. I couldn't believe the audacity of him, not having a care in the world for his unborn child but now 5 days after she was born, here he was filing for custody. The next 9 months that ensued were unbearable at times. So many moments when I thought he was going to get her because of how he was making me out to be. So many moments when I thought there was no end to this nightmare we had entered. So many restless nights and nights with terrors. So much anxiety over how things would transpire in court. I do however remember saying in the beginning of it all, "If God gave her, this wonderful being that brought me back to Him, then why would he take her away? No, God didn't give her to me only to take her away. I trust in what He is doing." Occassionally throughout the proceedings I would remind myself of this, but only occassionally. Too many moments spent freaking out, balling and simply not knowing what to do with myself. But then I would remember what I said and I would pray. Near the end, I started to feel peaceful. I felt as though God was going to carry me through this, after all, He doesn't put us through what we cannot handle. I knew that we were fighting for my daughter's soul. I knew God wasn't going to let Satan have her. This is the time that I started prayer with my daugther. I would pray outloud in the car or someplace with her about our matter. I would ask God for the ability to have strength to keep going and to stay strong for my daughter. I asked that by the time Analiese was old enough to start to know what was transpiring, that it would all be over and done, for quite some time.

God answered all those prayers and more. He answered my unspoken prayers, the thoughts of my heart. The ones I couldn't bear to speak because I was so afraid. It amazes me, how short and long the process was. It amazes me how faithless I was at times. It AMAZES me how faithful God was all the time. It amazes me how oddly peaceful I was. I know what those moments were, those were moments I filled with God and trust in Him. Moments I spent focusing on living my life with my daughter and not on the legal garbage. Moments I spent simply enjoying my daughter and the miracle of her life. One day, I hope she understands what happened and why. That she won't think her daddy didn't love her. But that she'll see why he wasn't supposed to be in her life. That she will listen to me when I tell her that because of her, I came back to God. That she will feel so incredibly important in God's kingdom because God fought a special battle for her and WON! That she will know God's great love for her. Oh how I hope she knows all this one day. I love her more than anything I have ever loved on this earth. She has brought so much joy and happiness into my life, that I never even knew of before. I love this time with her, as hard as it is sometimes being a single mom. (Which with the help of my parents and other family, I'm really not) I look forward to the person she will be and how our relationship will change and grow. I remind myself of what we have already been through and that God is always with us, picking us up and carrying us through the mud so that we don't get dirty. I can only pray that I am a good testimony and example to my daughter, just as my mother was to me.

~Analiese, I am sure maybe someday you might read this post. I don't know how old you'll be when you discover it, but know that I love you. You are my little miracle. I want you to know that there is more to this story than what I wrote above. If you have questions, you can ask me. I won't get mad. I want to help you understand it and most importantly understand the heart God has for you and His love for you. Everything I do is for you sweetheart, I hope you see that. I love you. Love, mommy~