Today I pour out my heart

This post has been a long time coming, I just didn't realize it until, well, now. To be honest, I'm a little scared to write it cause it's me completely ripping myself open & letting a whole lot of people know my thoughts . . . my feelings . . . my heart.

Today friends, I feel drained. I feel hurt. I feel like giving up.

After things were final with "Henry", I was so crushed. I was devastated. The person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with & build a family with, didn't want any of it. And I had no clue how to get over him much less give birth to our baby without him.

But I did. Somehow no, not somehow, with God's amazing power, I got over him. I moved on. I realized who he was & what he was & didn't want any part of it. I wanted God. I craved God. I needed God. I replaced "Henry" with God. I threw myself at His feet, talking to Him, some days nonstop because I didn't know what else to do. Besides when you're single & up in the middle of the night nursing the baby who else are you going to talk to? And I loved it. Every second of it. I came to know God in a way I had never known Him before. I trusted Him for everything.

I became content. Content to be single. Content to still be living with my parents. Content with my life with my beautiful angel child. Content to rest in God. For the first time in my life, I was in a place where I was actually happy not being in a relationship. When I tell people "I'm okay with it", I'm not lying to them or myself. It's not a fake okay, it's a real "God brought me to this place, I have Him, and I am JOYFUL!!!"

But then something happened. My heart, my soul, started longing for someone to share this life with. Someone to be my best friend. Someone to share in the joy of Liese. So I started praying about it. Just about every night when I went to bed, I would pray that God would continue molding whoever it was. That God would bring him into my life. I knew it was the longing of my heart & not because I didn't need God but because I felt like I was finally in that place where I was ready to make that commitment.

That commitment. Gosh, I used to be that girl who all she thought about was getting married without really thinking about what that commitment meant. It was all diamonds! boys! babies! None of it was real, serious thoughts about marriage & what that meant, especially what it means to God. Then I got to this place after "Henry" & getting over him where I was kind of scared of it. Not a scared to make a commitment kind of way but a realization way. A "you're going to spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with this person promising to love them & stick it out no matter what. woah" Not only that, but you're making a vow before & with God. I realize that the world doesn't take these vows seriously anymore & don't care that they made a vow before God but I do. God takes that seriously. That's a huge deal. Not to be taken lightly. So I started thinking, I need to take that seriously. It's not all diamonds! boys! babies! It's not all sit down or buffet. Fake or real flowers. Live band or DJ. It's none of that. It's not a wedding. It's a MARRIAGE. So I came to this place where I wasn't taking it lightly anymore & I wasn't just wishing it would "happen" to me already. I wanted to take it seriously & really think about it, be ready for it when it came.

So I continued to pray about it & knew that God knew the desires of my heart. I made a decision back in October to sign up for a Christian dating website. I thought maybe God was tugging me in that direction but at this point I really have no idea if He actually was because so much mess has come from that site. I talked to a few guys, here & there. None of them really stuck out until this one. And we talked, & we talked, & we talked. I became really attracted to him & his heart. After over 2 months of talking, we met. In short, it didn't end up working out in person. I was pretty upset. Not devastated but fairly hurt. I couldn't believe that after almost 4 years of being broken, healing, restoring, falling in love with God, & the first one I have real feelings for just falls apart. I was so hurt. I thought "forget this. I can't do this again." I had forgotten what it was like to try with a man & the work & the potential hurt involved. I was so done. I didn't want to get back on the site. I figured internet dating wasn't for me. But I tried, again. More men to talk to, more failures at being what I was looking for in a man of God & more disappointment on my end. A little more hurt after talking to someone else. Not from them, simply from "what is God doing? I don't understand what He is doing in my life." I feel lost at this point. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do, where God is taking me. What He's doing with my life. I know it's something, I just don't know which way He wants me to go. Am I forcing it? Am I supposed to go back to what I was doing & wait for God to drop him off at the door? Pretty sure that's not the answer.

I feel hurt. I feel drained. I feel like my mind is chaotic about what the Lord is leading me to do. I don't understand. I probably won't understand until about 4 more years down the line. But to be honest, I feel like giving up. I feel like saying "I'm done Lord. I can't do this anymore." I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of opening myself up to men & being rejected. I'm tired of it, so tired of it. I feel like I'm at such a low point. I know God is doing something with this low point, at least I think He is.

But I don't really want to be done. My heart still longs for that one person with whom to share my life. To share joy & sorrow, to share in Liese, to share ministry, to share children with, to share laughter & tears, to share LIFE. A life of faith. I'm trying hard to not be done, to see the light at the end of tunnel which seems to get narrower. I received some encouraging words from my Pastor when I shared a bit of this with him. Words that honestly are sometimes the only thing that gets me through a dark moment. Words that I'm pretty sure are going in a frame & hanging above my bed for me to remember when I wake & when I sleep. I share these words with you, maybe they'll help someone else too:

Don't let the experience discourage you. When the curtain rises again and you can remember this is not a sign of God's indifference, it can become another stepping stone toward the man whose soul you will complete and who will complete your soul. 


For now, I'll listen to Jars of Clay's "The Valley Song (Sing of your Mercy)" on repeat.