Where I Could Have Been

Why hello fellow bloggers and readers of my blog, it's been awhile. I got a job as a freelance journalist in March and because of it, haven't found much time to write on my beloved blog. But I'm back baby.

With my daughter's 3rd birthday quickly approaching, I've taken some time to reflect on where I would be if I hadn't been blessed with her birth.

I'm not sure how or why I came about to thinking it, but it started this weekend when I looked at my daughter and thought, "what would I be doing if you weren't here?" I hate that thought at first because I couldn't imagine my life without this little dear

Just looking at that picture warms my heart. We were on our way to her very first ever dance class!

But this time when I thought about it, I decided to finish the thought. I wondered what would have happened, where I would have been if I hadn't had become pregnant while dating, let's call him Henry from now on, Henry. I drummed up two scenarios, neither of which are ideal or a life I would want to be living right now especially compared to the one I have now.

The first of which is that I never would have broken up with Henry and eventually would have moved in with him and if he agreed to it, get married. The path I was headed on was not an "I love Jesus" one but rather a "I love that a man guy finally loves me so I'll do whatever he wants" one. *shakes head at former alternate timeline self* The abuse would have continued and gotten worse. I probably would have contracted an STD. I would have been one of those women who stayed at home most of the time, not leave because I was told to stay in the house; calling and visiting my mom while Henry was at work or out drinking or out with another woman lamenting about my horrible life but being too afraid and too committed to get out of it. I would have put any future kids I would have had with him in danger which is the point I probably would have finally gotten the courage to leave. And by that point, years have been taken off my life due to abuse and exhaustion and I'd be in the middle of trying to get a divorce and life a "normal" life with my kids in my parents house all the while trying to recover from the past however many years. I'd be finally working back toward that "I love Jesus" path.

The second of which is that I would have broken up with Henry and headed to the big city to achieve my journalistic dreams and ambitions. This path again would not have been an "I love Jesus" one but a "I love the city & all it has to offer me so I must take advantage of all those offers" one. I would have gone to NYU, studied hard and hit the club scene pretty hard. After school, I would have tried to get a job in the city investigating and reporting on corruption in politicians and big companies. I, of course would not have received one of these jobs because it wasn't what God meant when he gave me the talent to write. I would have searched and searched, eventually be living in a dangerous part of the city with no money and no job only to run out of money and return home rejected and feeling like a failure. When I was with Henry, my self-esteem was already pretty low, after New York, it would have been non-existent. Therefore sending me into a deep depression, worse I believe than what I experienced before I dated Henry. Depression that would have taken years to recover from and a path of "I love Jesus."

I've said it before and I'll say it again, Liese being born is the best thing that could have happened to me at that time. Becoming pregnant was the best consequence for my sin that I could receive, bar none. God truly gave me what I needed & what was perfect for His plan for my life. I couldn't see it at the time of reading the pregnancy test but I sure can now & I'm truly grateful. Without God and what He did for me so many things wouldn't have been possible and wouldn't have even happened.

If I hadn't had Liese, I never would have gotten to be apart of the volleyball coaching team at Cortland Christian Academy. I never would have been involved in so many amazing young girl's lives and gotten to know them or my fellow coach so well. I feel truly blessed by that team and feel like all of them are my younger sisters.

I never would have been involved in MOPS and never have become a small group leader for the single moms group. Oh my how I've been blessed by the Cortland MOPS group. I've met so many amazing other moms with similar issues with their toddlers and their lives. I've connected with women I never would have connected with before. I've met some great friends and have come along side me when I've needed a friend. I've gotten closer to my cousin Juli, because of MOPS and because we're both moms.

I never would have had the opportunity to share my testimony three times in public in three different places, Cortland Christian Academy, my church, and MOPS. I really hope and pray that women and others were touched by my story and realized that they aren't alone!

I never would have had the story and idea to write a book for single adult women who become pregnant. I never would have attended the writer's conference with my cousin and met so many amazing writers and gotten the advice and help I needed to write the book. I never would have been so blessed and encouraged by several people at the conference.

I never would have been given the dream by God to begin a women's home for single adult pregnant women. I cannot imagine my life without that dream in it. I picture the home now and I can't wait for the day it is a reality. I never would have met the amazing people that I've talked to who have similar homes or whom want to know how they can be involved in this one. I hope that I can say in the future that I never would have been able to help so many women through the home.

I never would have started the Harvest Party that has occurred at our church for 2 years now with Trunk or Treat. I never would have seen how a church can step up and provide so many things to make a huge event happen in and for the community. I never would have gotten to know the people who have closely helped me with planning it.

I never would have been so close to certain people in my church family. Because of it, I have kinship with others and feel more open to other people. Sometimes I truly feel like my church family is literally my family. They make me feel as though I am their daughter and Liese is their granddaughter. I am so thankful to how they reacted to my situation. It's a dear relationship I have with my church family and I never want to leave it.

I never would have been as close with my parents or other other members of my family. In fact, I probably would have grown farther away from them and barely talked to any of them. I'm so grateful how supportive my parents, brothers and sisters are of me and Liese. I cannot even explain the reaction my sisters had when I told them I was pregnant. It meant the world to me, they don't know that, but it did. I'll never forget that night.  Without my parents support and encouragement, Liese and I would be on the streets. I'm so thankful I got the opportunity to see God's love in action in my family.

Speaking of God's love, I'm so thankful He Loves ME! Without His love, none of those things up there could have been possible. Where I am now, could not have been possible. Because of becoming pregnant, I am closer to Him than I've ever been in my life. I cannot comprehend what He did for me, nor the full extent as to why but I sure am glad. And when I think about the day that I get to feel Him wrap his arms around me, I get goosebumps. I can't wait for that day. There are things He's revealed to me that I never would have discovered about Him before.

His blessings are new every morning!

Happy Birthday baby girl, without God bringing you to me, my life would be abysmal. I love you and I hope you grow to see and love God how I do, and beyond.