Forgiving to Move Forward

Last weekend, the 19-21, Liese & I attended a Single Parent Family Retreat in Montrose, PA. I have known about it since summer & have been debating about whether to go since then. I finally decided to go at the beginning of November when I realized I'd be missing the first day of deer season. This most likely seems silly & not a reason at all to reconsider going but deer season in our family is practically a national holiday. I talked it over with my dad & he agreed going to a Christian Single Parent Family Conference was more important for me right now than to be here for the first 2 days of deer season. On Friday afternoon we headed out with mixed emotions & unsure expectations. We arrived around 5 pm, registered & settled into our room. It was smaller than I expected but friendlier. After the first session for the single moms attending, I knew what to expect & how the rest of the weekend would play out. There were only 9 other moms & they made me feel comfortable. I was nervous the first night & I think Liese was as well but after a good night's worth of sleep we settled into a routine with these people we had never met before. These women were incredible. I didn't know a single one of them but I held a kinship with them because of one common factor, a man hurting us & our children. I felt such a bond with these women as we shared little bits of our lives over the weekend.
The sessions turned out to be exactly what I needed at this point in my life. The speakers for the weekend were Alex & Sallie Turoczi from TransWorld Radio. I was truly blessed by what they had to share in each of the sessions. They covered 6 different aspects of single parenthood but the reoccuring theme was forgiveness. Forgiving the man, the father of your children for doing what he did to you & your children. For the longest time I've needed to forgive him, I've wanted to forgive him but have lacked in the ability & knowledge to do so. They explained that just because you are forgiving him doesn't mean you are condoning what he did, erasing what he did or letting him walk all over you. It simply means you are forgiving his wrongs so that you can move on with your own life, so that you can rid of that festering bitterness growing inside you. This sounds so silly but I had never, ever thought of it like that. I kept thinking, if I forgive him it means I'm just letting go of all the wrong & letting him get away with it. But I'm not, I'm helping myself & my daughter by forgiving him. I decided that weekend that I would start forgiving him. I wasn't sure how long it would take or how hard it would be but I finally knew how to do it.
When we were packing the car & saying our goodbyes, I had this overwhelming sense that I was forgetting something. I kept checking & rechecking the room. I kept running through the checklist on paper & in my head & every time I wasn't missing anything but couldn't shake the feeling I was leaving something behind. As we drove down the road & Liese fell asleep in the car, I still couldn't help but feel I had left something at the conference. It wasn't a feeling of panic but rather a feeling of something I've kept with me for so long was no longer there. After some pondering over the weekend, what I learned & what I wanted to take away, I realized what it was I left behind. My anger. My resentment. My disappointment. I had finally forgiven him for the first time in almost 4 years. I wasn't upset anymore, I was still hurt but no longer resented him. What is done is done, it is in the past & I can no longer dwell in the past for it is not good for neither me nor Liese. It's hard to believe I can finally move forward fully with our lives. I feel as though this huge burden is off my shoulders & I can walk around . . . weightless. I realize this isn't a one time thing; that I have to continually wake up every morning & say, out loud, I forgive you. That there may be moments that come where I will have to go through the forgiveness process once again. But I'm finally in that place where I've genuinely forgiven him & can begin the journey of true healing & restoration. I feel such a sense of relief for the first time since she has been born.
I am so thankful that God led me to this place, this retreat & that he provided for us to be able to attend together, as a family. I am glad that He opened my eyes on how to forgive him. I cannot wait to see where He takes us next.

Interestingly enough, something occured on Monday, the day after the retreat, that tested everything I just learned. Stay tuned to find out just exactly what it was that tested me.