No Apology, No Regret

That is what I have. Several bloggers will return to their blog after a momentary hiatus and apologize their hearts out for not updating recently or not being a "good" blogger. So many of them start out with
 "I'm alive, don't worry" or
 "I'm still here, in case of any of you were wondering".
But that's not me. It's just not. I'm not going to apologize for enjoying my life outside of the internet to the fullest. I'm not going to apologize for loving my life and spending endless amounts of hours sitting on the floor playing with my daughter. I'm not going to apologize for being content with NOT getting on my blog every day to check it. (insert *gasp* here) Pretty much, I'm not going to apologize for living, really living. I do not regret not getting on my blog, not updating it & not reading other blogs. Which I believe is a good thing.
I will however, update you on everything that has been occurring in our life recently.
Last time, I wrote about the Single Parent Family Retreat & how I had FINALLY learned to forgive Liese's father. Remember how I said I would have the opportunity to prove my forgiveness? Well, the day, & I mean, literally THE DAY AFTER we got home from the retreat, he called. Yup, he sure did. I seized the opportunity & told him I forgave him. That that didn't mean it erased all he had done to us or how he had hurt us but simply I was over it & forgiving him because it is beneficial to Liese & me to do so. I told him about how he caused us a lot of pain & hurt & did wrong by us & even though he hadn't apologized, I forgive him. Which after I was done saying my peace, he quickly muttered & stumbled through an apology. He proceeded to say he wanted to be in his daughter's life & realized that soon he would be "that dad" who was in & out of their kids lives (My whole innards were screaming "YOU ALREADY ARE THAT DAD!"). We then had a very long phone conversation where I told him what days & times he could call, etc. I asked him if he wanted to talk to her, he said he just wanted to hear her talk (weird, right?). So I tried to get her to talk, such as count or do her abc's or something & she just wouldn't. She's 2, she's too busy. We arranged for the next time for him to call & that was that. Well, in short, he never called when he said he would, he always called way before she woke up in the morning or during her naptime & he never spoke to his own daughter once, not a peep. He got to talk to me a few times, attempting to bring me into an argument but I wasn't biting. He "sent" her presents. Which was done in a very inappropriate & childish manner. He called maybe 7, 8 times before he stopped calling. The last time he & I spoke, he started an argument & started yelling & screaming. Of which I finally pulled my guts together & said, "Stop. Just stop. I'm not here to argue with you, nor talk with you. I am not your daughter. Liese is. This is not about you & me anymore, this is about you & your daughter. I am not arguing with you, there is no point in us keeping having conversations. She is currently asleep, you can call again in 2 hours when she will be awake." He said he wouldn't call in 2 hours. I told him the next day & time he could call & he said fine & abruptly hung up. That was the last we heard from him & that was almost 2 months ago.
*sigh* (insert deep breath here)
Whew, that was long. I certainly feel relieved though. I'm unsure of why he called, why he did what he did. I know that God gave me an opportunity to say to him "I forgive you".  I know that part was God. The rest I just don't know. But this time did give me the ability to realize that I will NEVER know the reasons for his actions or why he says what he says & for once, I am okay with that. I'm done questioning. He is the one who has to live with the consequences of not being in his beautiful, intelligent daughter's life, not me. I get to wake up to her shining face EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I am the one who gets to spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT with a joyful little soul & that is the best gift God could have ever given me.

Since she has turned 2, she has been a super bundle ball of energy & I am having the time of my life keeping up with her. She talks SO SO SO much. I love when I hear her use new words & use them correctly. Shortly before her 2nd birthday, she was walking around the kitchen being her busy lil bee self while I was cleaning. I looked down at her as she walked by & she looked up at me & grinned & suddenly I could no longer see a hint of my baby girl in her. Her baby features were gone. They were replaced with toddlerness. It was sad & wonderful all at the same time.
Given how much she has changed over the past year (all you mommies know what I'm talking about here), I wanted to do something special for her birthday. Last year, I did what most mommies do, I wrote her a letter. This year, I contemplated going another way. I realized that letters are just my words written down. Something she can read for years to come but won't see my face in them nor hear my voice. Instead, I decided to do video letters for her. On the night of her birthday, I sat down & recorded a 20 minute video letter to her. I am really excited about this as I'll be able to put these on disks & label the disks with the years & what birthday they are. She'll be able to watch them over & over, long after I'm gone. If she ever worries that she's forgotten what I looked like or how I sounded, she can pop it in & see & hear me talking, just to her. It makes me smile just thinking about it.
I'm just soaking up all God has blessed me with right now, attempting to enjoy the little things & not be as stressed out as I usually am. Which leads me into the next post (which it's SUPER late considering it's a post about my resolutions, both last year & my new ones).
Night all ;)