Memories, Tears & Scars

These past 2 months are always the hardest months of the year for me, I love the beginning of Fall but September & October seem to be the months where stuff just happens. It's the time when a close friend of mine passed away, it's when my brother was robbed & kidnapped, it's where relationships begin & where they go to die, & it contains one of the biggest milestones of my & Analiese's life, the day where I received sole custody & visitation at my discretion, September 22nd, 2009, 9:45am. One of the best mornings of my life & one of the most important. Somehow, that day went by without me noticing. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that I don't think of those things anymore. I used to dwell on it all, court proceedings, him, etc & think about it endlessly, even 3 months ago I was thinking about it more than I do now. I'm inclined to think that it's good that I wasn't focusing on it & didn't remember it when it came. I can barely believe it's been a whole year since all of the difficulties. Speaking of difficulties & back on the subject of these 2 rough months, I'm in a slump. I had a setback about a week ago & haven't been able to reset since.

I was in the car & the song "Perfect Nightmare" by Shontelle started. I hadn't heard it yet but once it started, so did the memories then the tears. For some reason, all of my time with him came flooding back. With every word she sang, my mind was arrested with images. Images of a really good moment would be quickly swiped away by an image of a horrible moment in our relationship. I know that I'm over him however I know I'm not over the experience & I'm certainly not fully recovered from the abuse. In case, you don't know the song here it is with the lyrics


This song has captured the essence of an abusive relationship, at least from the girl's point of view, or at least mine. Another song that does this is "Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem & Rihanna. I have a problem with that song mainly because it's being portrayed as a good relationship & girls all over the world are singing it as though it's something they want in a relationship, but that's a whole different post. At first I wasn't really listening to the song but when it got to 0:50, I broke down. I'm not even entirely sure why, I know that it brought back memories but I'm unsure if it was the memories, the pain or that I'm finally out of it that made me cry. In a way, that upsets me & like I said, I haven't fully bounced back. Yesterday in church, we were singing & the one song we were singing made me tear up. Part of that was from thinking about him & all we went through but it was also tears of joy for Jesus pulling me out of it. Unfortunately, my mind didn't stop there, it was as if my brain was on "search". It was sorting through every memory near the end, pulling them out of their file, flipping through them & moving on to the next file. It gave me a gut wrenching feeling & I couldn't shake it. I kept going back to the moment where he said he wasn't sure if he loved me anymore & I repeatedly said that I loved him. It kept pulling me to that instant in the restaurant with my then girlfriends where we were talking about how he had changed & I had to tell them about how he didn't love me anymore but we were still together because of the baby. Then it ripped me to only days later when all of a sudden he was caring & loving again. It reeled my mind back then & it reels my mind to this day. I don't understand it, I never will & it hurts me. As Shontelle sings in "Impossible", "all my scars are open."